I opted for going around the block on my morning walk, as opposed to heading to a park, because I have been a bit dizzy the past 24 hours.
My unintentional timing had me walking past cars backed up on our street due to high school pedestrian traffic (we live a block away from the one large pubic high school), teenage girls smoking jittery in their search to find balance between being seen and not seen, teenage boys making sure their voices carry across the street so I can hear them talking about nice asses, and children heading to school, grownups heading to the Manhattan-bound train/bus, school buses, minivans, bikes...
Once I broke away from the throng, my mind quieted and cleared enough to have the following two thoughts:
• this time of year, in particular, unearths a kernel of sadness for raising my kids out of the mainstream. most of the time I think nothing of it, and frankly, I don't think they give much thought to it. but, I know that being your own person, as important and amazing as that is, does bring moments of loneliness. something that, as a mother, I have a primal instinct to want to avoid for my kids.
• I hope that by recognizing some of the grief I am feeling these days as a remnant of the guilt and shame I feel for likely having disappointed my parents, I can let it go and make room for more joy. I have traveled an unconventional road since graduating from college. did they get what they paid for?
And I had one funny thought:
• these teens were born during the era of Homicide, X-Files and Buffy!
our 'classroom' on back-to-school morning.
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