Letting it play out

I am a fan of letting things play out.

But, I don't often let things play out when it comes to the kids and how they are with other people, particularly, other children/their friends.  I have found it more comfortable to gently interrupt and act as a deux ex machina.  This way, whichever boy it is has the benefit of being supported through whatever the teaching/learning moment is (as I happen to see fit).  Frankly, the other child benefits, as well.  I have found that the terrain feels safer for all to navigate over the bumps and holes when there is a benign and fair-minded adult around.

This afternoon, O was over.  I noticed that Sag was a little rough around the edges in how he was speaking to O, not quite able to let him finish what he was saying, etc.  But, O was handling Sag and the situation well and taking it all in stride.  So, I let them be.

Awhile later, they had moved onto another activity.  O had a turn.  (Now, he may have perceived his "turn" as a favor he was doing for my kids because he was completing a tough level on a video game that they have been struggling with.)  Then it was Sag's turn.  I was knitting nearby and could not quite catch everything, but it sounded like O was offering Sag help or making a suggestion.  Either way, Sag was not interested and continued on in his play.  Shortly after, O said he was going to go in another room to play on his DS.  He was not having fun.  That didn't get much of a reaction from Sag who was involved in his own play.  Shortly after that, O came out of Sag's room and announced that he was walking home and that his mom knew he was coming (he has his own phone...still getting used to that one...my kids have friends who have their own phones).  Again, very little reaction from Sag who continued to be immersed in what he was doing.

I made a quick decision and decided to let this one play out.

O left.  I interrupted Sag and told him to pause his play so he could come down with me to walk O to the door.  I could tell O was not happy, but he didn't seem angry.  As Sag called out "good-bye, good-bye" as he walked down our walk to the sidewalk, O kept responding, but not turning around to look at Sag.  But, he finally did, which was nice, and satisfied Sag...who I had a feeling was still quite oblivious to what had just happened.

Back upstairs, Sag finished his screen time.  And then I talked to him.  I kept it simple and communicated to him that I thought O left because he wasn't having fun.  Sag looked stunned, and was instantly remorseful.  He cares very deeply about O.  I told him I wasn't sure if O was upset, but that it was an option for him to give him a call and check in with him.

He wanted to, but when the moment came to actually speak, it took all of his courage to quietly choke out one word: "sorry".  I realized anew in that moment how hard this is for Sag...facing someone else's disappointment or hurt and knowing it came by his own actions.  This is something that is hard for me, still, at times.  To see it wrapped up in the psyche and body of an 8 year old broke my heart.  But, I feel a lot of promise helping him deal with this particular set of emotions from a relatively young age.

O answered him right away: "okay".  And that was that.  Trust was restored.  They said their good-byes and hung up.  Sag had his shirt pulled up over his face the whole time (just wanting to hide under the covers).  He dove into bed where he took some time to calm down.  Now he is humming contentedly at my feet, drawing big scenes in the large newsprint pad.

I asked Sag (this was while he was still in bed) if next time he would prefer for me to stop him in what he is doing to point out that someone is bothered by what he is doing or saying.  His answer was immediate: yes.  I assured him that I would.

The flipside of providing a supported environment in which children can learn and grow, is that they lose the opportunity to experience a situation go bad.  And though that spares them some potential pain, it also robs them of critical and vital potential learning.  (ie. learning not to touch a hot stove).

One of the gifts of homeschooling, for me, is that the kids and I have a lot of time together.  Having this kind of time means that I can be there for them to be their deus ex machina as they wend their way through life.  It also means that on those occasions where I want to let it play out, we have the time for that, too.