But, yesterday my equilibrium was off and my bad mood was snowballing fast.
At one point, I said out loud, something to the effect of, "Oh my god, I am going to lose it." To the ether, not to either of the kids. They were not directing their energy/volume at me. It was to each other, in play. But, they were sticking closer to me than usual and there was an edge to their moods, as well. Especially Gem.
He heard me, my firstborn, and he instantly reached his hand out and began to rub my back. And he said. something to the effect of, "no you're not, you're going to be okay."
*****
Tonight, I called home from the parking lot at Vinny's. I wanted to ask Cap if there was anything I could pick up for him while out since he was making dinner. Sag picked up. He started picking up the phone a couple of months ago and seemingly overnight has become a kid who enjoys talking on the phone.
His manner sounded so grown up, but his voice sounded so young! It was poignant...caught me in a soft spot. It's not so much that he sounded younger than his years...but hearing him in this context for the first time, I felt a vulnerability for him. My secondborn flexing his wings, getting ready to fly in new, unknown directions.
*****
The kids brought home some artwork from art class today. They were inspired to make a museum in their room. I paid them a dime for the privilege of checking out the latest installation and snapping some pics.
trendy loft space :-)
the collage is by Sag.
(Gem missed class last week so his collage will be finished next week.)
this piece speaks to me.
I love how distinctive, and different, these pieces are.
care to guess which work was created by which artist?
collage detail.
the new and the old.
delighted by the curators' decision to include a classic work.
*****
I think the kids' uptick in energy/volume is connected to many things. Possibly. I can't know any of it for certain.
But, my intuition to points to:
• the processing/experiencing of emotions not easily named or articulated as they adjust to Vanessa being gone.
• the approach yesterday of a storm system which will now be sitting atop us for the rest of the week. (I am sensitive to pressure systems and so it wouldn't surprise me if one or both of them are, too.)
• the collision of a period of needing more time outdoors with a dearth of time outdoors.
• a growth spurt, physical and/or developmental, resulting in spurts of the unbridled energy/volume kind.
• a challenging transition to Spring and Liver season (in traditional Chinese medicine...anyone notice how rampant 'sickness' has been the past month or so?)
The "why" doesn't matter that much to me because this is going to pass. What does matter, is that we all get through and past this as happily, and unscathed by negativity, hurt and confusion, as possible.
Anything we are meant to learn from these types of experiences, we will learn. But I have found that often the learning comes afterward. After the smoke has cleared :-) So don't sweat it while it's happening.
Last night, I dropped the kids off with friends as planned and then instead of going to my class, I came home and took a hot bath. With lavender and rose essential oils. And felt so much better. There was a clear shift in the workings of my central nervous system.
And today, I put out a call to friends for babysitting for this Friday. I am hoping to cobble together a childcare bucket line so that Cap and I can have as long a day by ourselves as possible. Between having Vanessa here and now two upcoming conferences, we have a tiny window of opportunity to pry open to go out and play for a bit.
Refueling by being without the kids is a necessity for being with the kids in the better ways* that we want to be with them. Making this kind of time can be a challenge when homeschooling and parenting our kids in the ways that we do.
* Peaceful, joyful, present, aligned with our authentic Selves.
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